Post by DJDoubleLP on Sept 28, 2006 12:43:51 GMT -5
A long read but very funny! Enjoy!!! ;D
I’ve done it.
People are going to be writing books about me for this one. I've tracked down the primary reason for the failure of almost every relationship in history.
Now ladies, you are going to hate me for this one, but remember, its a comedy act. So I’m not held reliable for what you people find funny. And at least for the girls in the audience, I’m never getting laid. But that’s a rare event anyways. So I'll just hammer into it.
Here's where it all starts. Starts at a different time in every relationship. Maybe six months, could be 2 years. Where the women in the relationship decides that sex shouldn't be that important. And almost like flipping a switch, you'll go from having a lot of sex, to having practically nothing. An integral part of your frickin’ happiness is served at the roots, and you're dangling in the wind. Who knows what drives them to do this. But it’s mostly known that at tender age, women need sex less than guys do. If I had it my way, 50% of my day would be mid coitus. I'm actually hitting my sexual peak (looks at watch) right about …. now.. and now.
So it’s totally in their power to knock that right off the menu for you. And the less you get it the more you fucking want it. You'll be trying every 30 seconds, and get every excuse you could imagine. Headaches, I just washed my hair. That’s a good one. I’m on my period... well that never mattered before baby... we'll just throw down a towel like last time!! No dice. And the more you push, the more upset they get!! UPSET!!! With you. They're draining your life blood day by day, and they are so mad at you.
So you're having sex maybe once a week, at best, and you're doing anything you can to get things going again right? It’s your meaning in life to get some sex again, so you go all holistic and tantric crazy, hard cover karma sutra, frickin’ candles and lotions and oils and ribbed striped wiggling toys from ever adult store you pass on the way home. But of course you both haven't done it in nearly a week so it’s never quite up to snuff with your former glory. Couple minutes in and she is sore, every position and nuance you planned is out the window because you came already. And you ever try this guys? You try to just keep going afterwards? Man that’s a test of will power. Ladies, I know this sounds wild, and if a guy managed to do this, I'm sure you were really impressed. But forcing you way on after the first time goes against everything in the male anatomy. We're flashing a kaleidoscope of stroke material from the past through our heads and squeezing with all our might to stay hard, and naturally, we're supposed to be sleeping already. But because this opportunity is so frickin’ fleeting, we're going to likely do permanent harm to our undercarriage for you.
This is how far we'll go. It’s this time, the woman is planning her action item list for the following day. Fuck...so you get the excuses, and the role over treatment, and you get a tad frisky. Of course, she'll dangle the bait for you as per usual. Here is the worst part, women don’t quite understand the decision making power our penises have. It’s like flipping an industrial breaker, and pounding those things back into place takes strength. Women don't see the harm in teasing a guy and flirting and touching when they have no frickin’ intention of putting out. They probably think it’s fun to mess with you, like flipping beetles on their back and watching them squirm.
So you get grabby, and the girls should be flattered, they're pushing you back into a lower level of evolution. Than when you paw at them to much, they get pissed. Then it’s talk time. Your balls are physically throbbing through your pants, and now its time for serious talk? Here is a big problem, and here is where the real issue begins . And I’ll get to that.
So she acts pissed at you, pissed that all you think about is sex. Sex shouldn't be that important to you, she says "is that all I am to you". Well, no, but it’s a real easy way to keep me happy. And seriously, that is what it comes down to. Maybe there is a point where the girl thinks she should settle down and see how things go without sex. With sex, it was perfect. She had mastered and maintained the perfect relationship. But for some damn reason she wants to mess with the equation. Is she a frickin’ scientist?
So, that’s where it starts. That is the root of almost every relationship failure in history. Women will of course contest this, and they'll be right of course. But until the end of my act, I’ll have figured it all out. It is easy ladies, and I would love to think that sex is actually something you all enjoy. Though there are times that I wonder. But the easiest way to maintain a relationship and keep your man happy is simply make love to him. Not whenever he wants of course, and not when you are truly in the wrong mindset, but keep that boy happy and he'll keep you happy. It’s easy. But now you've stepped on his libido. That is a powerful force down there. And I know its tough for the ladies to understand. You think we are full of shit when we tell you we have no choice. But when he starts making decisions its out of our hands....no pun intended.
So you shut us down enough. You force us to start thinking with our dank. And the dank has a very simple logic. Can't get it here? Than where can I? It’s these thoughts alone that will sink any relationship that was once thriving.
Now listen. Thoughts are not actions and most guys won’t follow up on these thoughts, but we absolve any and all responsibility for them right now, and right up until your wife or girlfriend asks what you thought about this material.
Some guys of course, lose all control, and they'll run amok in the streets with their danks out. Not only are these guys terrible for cheating, but they're going to get themselves caught! And ruin it for the rest of us. The next group of guys is only slightly less terrible, though I'll never condone their activities. They'll have a breaking point where they will justify to themselves that cheating is the only way to save their relationship. They'll do it sparingly, and with some broad that'll make most men shutter. Buddies friends will think he's gone nuts, until of course they're in the same boat. Again, I don't condone these activities, but they have a slight point. The relationship would have collapsed long ago had this guy not had his pipes cleaned.
That brings us to type three. Most men will claim they are this type, when asked directly, most men will pretend they think I've lost my mind. But they know... these guys are the good ones, but they actually get the worst time about it. Loyal to the bitter end, they won’t cheat. Other women in the world will all develop this glowing ora, and the world turns into a buffet but you are on a death camp diet. And you brood. After so mush time getting shut down by your girl, you don't even want to fuck her. You stubborn side kicks in, you think you can compete, put her in your shoes. Maybe you think she'll be jumping after a few days you pretending to not care, but you're wrong. She is all powerful. And this makes you bitter.
And that is what gives type three the worst rep, is they get mean and they start to resent everything about her. She starts to develop evil characteristics and every little thing about her that you thought was cute 6 months ago turns into the brain of your existence. Soon ladies your little coup that you thought might fortify your love, has in fact created your arch nemesis. And undoubtedly, the relationship fails. Okay, maybe I've been there. I’m not bitter or anything.
Thinking logically, can any of these events be blamed on the men? He's a simply creature ladies, with simple desires and it’s anything but difficult to keep him to yourself. Still, with holding that which keeps the beast at bay can only foretell disaster. Ladies, I know you'd like to think that the right man, the perfect man doesn't find sex to be that important. That your bond will actually strengthen when you cut the sex out of the relationship. But do you actually want a man who isn't sexually attracted to you? We don't want a room mate ladies. We want a girlfriend, a wife, a lover. In order to keep your coupling strong, you gotta cut through the bullshit. Sex is important. It’s not the only thing, but if you want to avoid the undeniable problems that blue balls will create, get dirty with your boy. It’s not that bad is it?
I’ve done it.
People are going to be writing books about me for this one. I've tracked down the primary reason for the failure of almost every relationship in history.
Now ladies, you are going to hate me for this one, but remember, its a comedy act. So I’m not held reliable for what you people find funny. And at least for the girls in the audience, I’m never getting laid. But that’s a rare event anyways. So I'll just hammer into it.
Here's where it all starts. Starts at a different time in every relationship. Maybe six months, could be 2 years. Where the women in the relationship decides that sex shouldn't be that important. And almost like flipping a switch, you'll go from having a lot of sex, to having practically nothing. An integral part of your frickin’ happiness is served at the roots, and you're dangling in the wind. Who knows what drives them to do this. But it’s mostly known that at tender age, women need sex less than guys do. If I had it my way, 50% of my day would be mid coitus. I'm actually hitting my sexual peak (looks at watch) right about …. now.. and now.
So it’s totally in their power to knock that right off the menu for you. And the less you get it the more you fucking want it. You'll be trying every 30 seconds, and get every excuse you could imagine. Headaches, I just washed my hair. That’s a good one. I’m on my period... well that never mattered before baby... we'll just throw down a towel like last time!! No dice. And the more you push, the more upset they get!! UPSET!!! With you. They're draining your life blood day by day, and they are so mad at you.
So you're having sex maybe once a week, at best, and you're doing anything you can to get things going again right? It’s your meaning in life to get some sex again, so you go all holistic and tantric crazy, hard cover karma sutra, frickin’ candles and lotions and oils and ribbed striped wiggling toys from ever adult store you pass on the way home. But of course you both haven't done it in nearly a week so it’s never quite up to snuff with your former glory. Couple minutes in and she is sore, every position and nuance you planned is out the window because you came already. And you ever try this guys? You try to just keep going afterwards? Man that’s a test of will power. Ladies, I know this sounds wild, and if a guy managed to do this, I'm sure you were really impressed. But forcing you way on after the first time goes against everything in the male anatomy. We're flashing a kaleidoscope of stroke material from the past through our heads and squeezing with all our might to stay hard, and naturally, we're supposed to be sleeping already. But because this opportunity is so frickin’ fleeting, we're going to likely do permanent harm to our undercarriage for you.
This is how far we'll go. It’s this time, the woman is planning her action item list for the following day. Fuck...so you get the excuses, and the role over treatment, and you get a tad frisky. Of course, she'll dangle the bait for you as per usual. Here is the worst part, women don’t quite understand the decision making power our penises have. It’s like flipping an industrial breaker, and pounding those things back into place takes strength. Women don't see the harm in teasing a guy and flirting and touching when they have no frickin’ intention of putting out. They probably think it’s fun to mess with you, like flipping beetles on their back and watching them squirm.
So you get grabby, and the girls should be flattered, they're pushing you back into a lower level of evolution. Than when you paw at them to much, they get pissed. Then it’s talk time. Your balls are physically throbbing through your pants, and now its time for serious talk? Here is a big problem, and here is where the real issue begins . And I’ll get to that.
So she acts pissed at you, pissed that all you think about is sex. Sex shouldn't be that important to you, she says "is that all I am to you". Well, no, but it’s a real easy way to keep me happy. And seriously, that is what it comes down to. Maybe there is a point where the girl thinks she should settle down and see how things go without sex. With sex, it was perfect. She had mastered and maintained the perfect relationship. But for some damn reason she wants to mess with the equation. Is she a frickin’ scientist?
So, that’s where it starts. That is the root of almost every relationship failure in history. Women will of course contest this, and they'll be right of course. But until the end of my act, I’ll have figured it all out. It is easy ladies, and I would love to think that sex is actually something you all enjoy. Though there are times that I wonder. But the easiest way to maintain a relationship and keep your man happy is simply make love to him. Not whenever he wants of course, and not when you are truly in the wrong mindset, but keep that boy happy and he'll keep you happy. It’s easy. But now you've stepped on his libido. That is a powerful force down there. And I know its tough for the ladies to understand. You think we are full of shit when we tell you we have no choice. But when he starts making decisions its out of our hands....no pun intended.
So you shut us down enough. You force us to start thinking with our dank. And the dank has a very simple logic. Can't get it here? Than where can I? It’s these thoughts alone that will sink any relationship that was once thriving.
Now listen. Thoughts are not actions and most guys won’t follow up on these thoughts, but we absolve any and all responsibility for them right now, and right up until your wife or girlfriend asks what you thought about this material.
Some guys of course, lose all control, and they'll run amok in the streets with their danks out. Not only are these guys terrible for cheating, but they're going to get themselves caught! And ruin it for the rest of us. The next group of guys is only slightly less terrible, though I'll never condone their activities. They'll have a breaking point where they will justify to themselves that cheating is the only way to save their relationship. They'll do it sparingly, and with some broad that'll make most men shutter. Buddies friends will think he's gone nuts, until of course they're in the same boat. Again, I don't condone these activities, but they have a slight point. The relationship would have collapsed long ago had this guy not had his pipes cleaned.
That brings us to type three. Most men will claim they are this type, when asked directly, most men will pretend they think I've lost my mind. But they know... these guys are the good ones, but they actually get the worst time about it. Loyal to the bitter end, they won’t cheat. Other women in the world will all develop this glowing ora, and the world turns into a buffet but you are on a death camp diet. And you brood. After so mush time getting shut down by your girl, you don't even want to fuck her. You stubborn side kicks in, you think you can compete, put her in your shoes. Maybe you think she'll be jumping after a few days you pretending to not care, but you're wrong. She is all powerful. And this makes you bitter.
And that is what gives type three the worst rep, is they get mean and they start to resent everything about her. She starts to develop evil characteristics and every little thing about her that you thought was cute 6 months ago turns into the brain of your existence. Soon ladies your little coup that you thought might fortify your love, has in fact created your arch nemesis. And undoubtedly, the relationship fails. Okay, maybe I've been there. I’m not bitter or anything.
Thinking logically, can any of these events be blamed on the men? He's a simply creature ladies, with simple desires and it’s anything but difficult to keep him to yourself. Still, with holding that which keeps the beast at bay can only foretell disaster. Ladies, I know you'd like to think that the right man, the perfect man doesn't find sex to be that important. That your bond will actually strengthen when you cut the sex out of the relationship. But do you actually want a man who isn't sexually attracted to you? We don't want a room mate ladies. We want a girlfriend, a wife, a lover. In order to keep your coupling strong, you gotta cut through the bullshit. Sex is important. It’s not the only thing, but if you want to avoid the undeniable problems that blue balls will create, get dirty with your boy. It’s not that bad is it?
